


So look in my mercy mirror. (I need you more than I have known.)

by Maegalkarven



Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén
Genre: Fallen Hero: Retribution Spoilers, Gen, M/M, lucas is his puppet's name, my sidestep took 'be gay do crimes' literally
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24940303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maegalkarven/pseuds/Maegalkarven
Summary: Something of a short reflection on the way to revelations. Not the ones Sidestep expected, but the ones he might actually need.When you never learned how to process your emotions and complicate your villainous life with even more complicated love life.
Relationships: Dr. Mortum/Sidestep (Fallen Hero), Ortega/Sidestep (Fallen Hero), Ortega/Sidestep/Steel (Fallen Hero), Sidestep/Steel (Fallen Hero), a mess of a love cube tbh
Kudos: 6





	So look in my mercy mirror. (I need you more than I have known.)

**Author's Note:**

> It is jut a short piece I need to get out of my system. Very silly, kind of hopeful.
> 
> Title from Mercy Mirror by Within Temptation

It's always like this. It's always leads to that.

You are bad at being human ( ~~because you're not~~ ) so instead of actually solving your problems, you add another layer on.

Maybe they were right, thinking re-genes shouldn't feel, maybe this "feeling" thing is too much for you to handle.

It certainly looks like that.

Maybe if you didn't let yourself to get carried away ( ~~and get attached)~~ , they wouldn't caught you.

 _No_ , you think, content for once. You didn't get sloppy. You left no traces to follow. Someone knew who you are, someone was instructed what exactly they were looking for. A spy was sent to bring you back, kicking and screaming.

The thought makes you wince.

A traitor.

A rat right inside the Rangers' headquarters - its quite ironic how you look out for a snitch, suspecting everyone the way Chen used to look at you.

**Used to.**

Not anymore, at least not in the way which always made your blood boil. Not with suspicion, but intent to figure out what's happening.

Part of you wants to tell him everything. Part of you wants to wipe his mind clean of any imprints you could ever leave.

He was looking for you, though.

He almost- you got angry at him for not following though, but- he almost died in that search. Maybe even managed to get real autopsy photos, if that's not concerning as hell.

If he saw the real photos, he's in deep danger. He took something of the Farm, he knows something he's not supposed to. He is to be disposed.

You don't even know why you care.

~~(Liar. You've always known.)~~

Maybe that's why it hurt so much, because you wanted him to accept you, and all you got was mild suspicion and distrust.

~~(Okay, that's the lie too.)~~

But if he did see the real photos, when...he _knows._

He **knows** and treats you no differently, he knows and still cares, still stumbles over his thoughts because of a mere look you give him.

~~(You are afraid to know what kind of look you give him.)~~

Maybe that's why you kissed him. Maybe that's why he responded, pushing you into the wall, catching you as if you're about to fall, even though part of his mind was screaming "Why am I doing this-Why does he-I have no right-Ortega doesn't deserve-"

You felt pang of guilt hitting him down and you could relate.

You're not sure what Ortega does and doesn't deserve, but it's pretty clear you'll need to tell him about that...recent development. If Chen hasn't done it already.

And you don't know why, you don't know how to explain it over than: "So, apparently I was always lightly obsessed with Chen's opinion of me and only started to realize it now".

"I've always wanted him to see me" sounds extremely cliche, too sappy for you to even think it through, not to mention saying aloud. But it's the truth, and you're all about the world seeing the truth now.

At least this is what you told your good doctor.

You're not so sure about "your" part anymore, Mortum was Lucas' collegial damage, a fling gone way over the top, into the feelings territory you can't seem to control even in a Puppet's body.  
But now, after you've told him, after you bared your marred with tattoos skin (figuratively, of course), you're not sure you will even see him again.

You're not quite certain you'll even survive doing so.

Mortum is too good for petty betrayal of your trust, but no one would blame him for wanting to have nothing to do with you after that reveal.

You still love him, though. It still hurts.

This is why baring your stupid weak and uncooperative heart for another man is anything but a good idea.

Catching feelings for **Marshal Steel** is a atrocious idea indeed.

But here you are, treating one heartbreak with a possibility of another. Are you that starved for affection you're gonna try all what's been offered?  
 _No_ , you stop yourself.

Danny seemed more than willing, and yet you do nothing but train him and treat him as an equal - god knows, kid needs that.

Angie was ready to play, but all you did was telling her enough to destroy every single of you plans and myself.

So there's a chance it's not the number of possible...affiliates, but the feelings themselves. Treacherous, uncontrollable, multiplying things. The danger territory.

You don't want to hurt Ortega more than you already did (as fucked as it sounds), and you don't want to get hurt. Even with your abilities and tactician mind, you still see no way out, no way this entire playing in lovers illusion you keep feeding will not end up a disaster.

And yet you're here, in the ranger's headquarters.

You're pretty sure whatever feel-y bullshit will get splashed over the walls today, it will give security cameras no more than maybe a little entertainment. You'll leave no hints for them, no traces of who you are or your occupation.

They will get **nothing.**

And it's not like you're not used to being watched.

You can't do it anywhere else, you need the reminder what you're on the enemy's territory, to sharpen your senses, to keep yourself alert.

The elevator lights blink and you're on the right floor. 


End file.
